Color my world
by Lalilulelovee
Summary: "They say the world is full of colors when you are young and innocent. The Boss is unable to see in color again after all the tragedies that happen in her life." The Boss reflects on how much she had changed upon arrival at Steelport and her best friend's surreal death. Set after the events of SR:TT. READ AND REVIEW!


They say that the world is full of colors when you are still young and innocent. You would often find yourself looking up at the sky, searching for even the faintest signs of a rainbow or maybe imagine shapes from the clouds above. And in the night sky, you would wonder how the stars managed to shine so brightly in the dark backdrop of the night.

And yet, here I was, lying alone in the roof top of this sky scraper I now own, staring at the red, now going purple, sky made by the sun about to set, unable to smile at what I am seeing. Atop the fifty-something storey building, I could see everything in the city I helped both build and destroy. The sun is half-gone to the never-ending horizon, making the sea and the glass windows of the buildings facing it sparkle with red light.

It was beautiful, I suppose, but I couldn't find it in my soul, if I had one, to see the colors and beauty I am supposed to see in it. Not like when I was younger, when everything was so beautiful and perfect in my eyes, so vibrant with color. But the world in my eyes today, was nothing but a dull and dead horizon. Since when have I seen the world like this anyway?

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I suppose if I was who I was seven years ago, I would have been in awe with the scene. I had always been a secret fan of the wonders of nature and it was something that I missed when I moved to Stilwater, moreover when we were forced to move to Steelport.

But no—I wasn't the same 18 year old rebel girl who ran away to Stilwater to get away from her dysfunctional family. Who would have known that seven years later, their stow away daughter would be the leader of one of the biggest and most influential gangs in America, if not the world? The Third Street Saints. Oh yeah, I'm on top of the world.

Yes, seven years had made all the differences. I had changed. A lot actually. My dirty blonde bobbed hair became long fiery red which I often tied in a nice and neat bun, only letting my long side bangs hang over my face. My face had always been bruised since I was a child thanks to my abusive stepparents but now, it was covered mostly of battle scars I earned from my conquest to conquer Stilwater and Steelport. Scars marked not only my face, but my body. Fighting men twice my size and soldiers with twice as much experience does that. Plus, of course, having a traitorous boss who blew up the ship you were in, also gives you a fair share of burn scars over the back. Several tattoos adorned my arms and back, mostly representing me as a Saint. My clothes? Well, you've guessed it. I was adorned with purple designer clothes everyday. A nice tailored female black suit with a matching purple tie was one of my daily wears. A big leap from the street clothes I used to wear as a teenager while wandering around, looking for a job in Downtown. I became classy, glamorous, and respected by people. I earned my fair share of glory and success. In fact, maybe more than my fair share. I own Stilwater and Steelport. I am the boss.

Here I was, back in Stilwater, which I consider my hometown now, lying here alone after a long week of saving my two lieutenants and the mayor from sure death and of course, letting Killbane escape in the process, and being attacked by hoards of STAG soldiers, fighting in an unbelievably sized flying ship called the Daedalus. I hurried back 'home' immediately after I saw that Shaundi and Viola are safe and the STAG will not bother us anymore. I don't want to stay another second in Steelport. I wanted to go home from the start, I have to admit. After we were kidnapped by Loren, that French fuck, in his airplane, I was secretly hoping that he would kindly drop us back to Stilwater and we could all eat at Freckle Bitch's. We will all sit down at my car with take-outs in hands, laughing at what we have just witnessed in the bank heist and Loren's custody: Me, Shaundi, and Jo-

I heaved out a sigh, heavy with guilt and sadness. I tried to shake off the feeling. I should be celebrating now. Being in Stilwater. It made me think of the things I usually never thought about while I was in Steelport.

"It's over. It's finally over. We've defeated the syndicate. Without anyone to lead them, they will soon crumble and it will be child's play to sweep their bodies out of Steelport," unconsciously, I muttered to myself. "I'm finally home. We can finally go back to our lives..."

Then I felt my eyes warming up. What is this feeling? Soon enough, a single tear ran down the side of my face. I touched the warm liquid which came from my eyes.

Tears. I was crying. For the first time in a very long time, I found myself crying again. When was the last time I cried? I never cried when I became a Saint. I couldn't find the strength to do so. When Lin and Carlos died, I got too consumed by anger and revenge that I couldn't even find the time to stop and really mourn for them. It was so much easier to deal with anger. To focus it all in avenging your friends rather than sulking in your room and reminiscing your happy moments together. I would never forget them, of course. I cringe every time I remember the very instances they died. Sometimes I have nightmares of it too. Me at the back of the trunk of Lin's car slowly filling up with water, or being in that infinite empty highway with Carlos' blood trails on my feet. Sometimes I'm the one chained behind the truck, all bloody, and no one was there to help me.

But I would never let anyone see me feel frightened or sad or disheartened. I am the leader. They all look up to me to be strong when everyone else feels weak. I am supposed to pick them up when they fall. I'm supposed to act as if nothing can get me down. Even when I'm depressed, I'm supposed to force a laugh and crack jokes in order for the crew not to worry about my state. I'm supposed to keep a brave face when my knees tremble in fear. That's what it means to be the leader.

My eyes were all blurry from the tears that continuously ran down my face no matter how many times I try to wipe them off. I sat up, and looked up at the afternoon sky once more. Since when have I seen the world like this?

"Johnny, we're jumping out." "Right on. I'll see you back in Sti-"

The gunshots rang in my head again. Oh, now I remember since when. I remember that day clearly, as if I had just been on that plane before I came on this building's rooftop.

"...Johnny?" Shaundi whispered on the radio, unsure of what we had just heard. I, on the other hand, was unable to say anything. I wanted to scream his name but nothing came out. I blacked out for a few seconds until I fell out of the plane, letting free fall do its work.

I knew right at that moment that things will never be the same. Yes, I denied it myself, but deep within my mind, I knew what had just happened. I knew he was not getting out of there alive. And I knew, I will never be the same again.

Hopes shattered. Plans for the future suddenly crumpled. All the things I wanted to say to him and to do with him, all gone in the sound of gunshots heard over a radio.

And with him, the colors of the world died as well. My once vibrantly colored world was dyed jet black, never to be colored again. He splashed colors into my dull world with laughter and insanity. And nothing will ever come near to the satisfaction I had with him just sitting beside me and laughing at the crazy things that happened that day. No, not even killing Philippe Loren and destroying the Syndicate brought me that joy.

He was gone and I'm alone. Nothing will change that.

Tears came running down my eyes again. Before I knew it, I was whimpering, choking on my sobs, shivering. I covered my mouth, trying not to cry loudly, but I can't. I was crying and screaming in pain. My heart burned. I mourned not only for him, but for everyone I have ever lost. My family, Lin, Carlos, Aisha, all the Saints that I have lost fighting my fight.

"I'm back in Stilwater, Johhny," I muttered to myself closing my eyes, "You're supposed to be here, you know. Come back home already."

I looked up the purple sky once more, hoping that one day, I would be able to see the colors it shed.

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A/N: Updated with a tiny revision. Thanks SaintsRow4ever for pointing that out. :D Also thanks to everyone who reviewed. Really means a lot to hear your thoughts. I have a new full length story coming soon. Please look out for it as well.


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